I Thought I’d Have a Girl Gang by Now?

Scrapbook Entry 11

At my middle school, friend groups had Instagram accounts.

It was basically a camp flag. If you didn’t know who someone was, you’d learn fast—because they were tagged as SLAYYERPLAYERS or something equally ridiculous on a group page with a bio like “besties since forever XOXO.”

There was one group in particular. And when I say huge, I mean people had to kneel in the second row so everyone could fit in the photo their mom was taking in front of the middle school.

They went on trips together. Posted about it. Sometimes they’d combine with the major boy group, and it became this whole event. Matching Halloween costumes…. Everyone was dating everyone, and if you weren’t in the group, you still knew all the drama….Somehow?

I remember staring at Instagram for the first time in seventh grade and feeling two things at once.

A little jealous.
And a little put off.

I told myself I didn’t want that… I didn’t like what they wore…. and I thought it was funny how hard they seemed to be trying. Like, this wasn’t just 7th grade. (Not to rain on anybody’s parade)

But if I’m being honest, what I envied wasn’t them.

It was the sheer number of people they had. At all times.

Even if they weren’t nice to each other. Even if they gossiped to girls like me—girls not even in their circle—leaving me wondering why I knew intimate details about people who barely knew my name.

I assumed that would change when I got older.

Unfortunately, I have discovered it doesn’t.

In fact, it doesn’t seem to matter what age you are. There will always be these girls. (My mom has a group like this, too. They post what they’re doing, where they’re going, and who’s together. It’s the EXACT SAME ENERGY, and they didn’t even grow up with social media!!)

It’s strangely comforting and unsettling at the same time. Comforting because it means this isn’t something I “missed.” Unsettling because it means the feeling doesn’t magically age out.

The desire to belong stays the same.

Not because I want to be them.
But because I thought maybe college would be the era when I found my girl gang.

Part of me knows why I haven’t….

I’m not great at being a friend first. I’m bad at answering texts. I’d rather find time to get other things done or wind down by myself and write.

And HARD TRUTH… friendship requires effort. It requires inviting people over when you’re exhausted. and trying, even when it would be easier not to. And obviously, I have taken the easier route…

Another part of me has realized something else, too.

I don’t actually want an army that middle school Alivia was jealous of.
I want two or three people who really know me.

But to get that friendship, I have to sacrifice something I selfishly don't want to give up. I have an unfortunate example:

Once, in a relationship, the guy I was dating wanted to see me more than two days a week. ( I know, crazy) I told him, genuinely confused,

“What do you mean? That’s plenty of time.”

He grabbed my hands, laughed very kindly, and said,
“God forbid a man wants to see you, Alivia.”

And I laughed too. But it stuck. Because deep down… I knew I was being unreasonable.

For me, time is a very expensive currency, one I only want to spend intentionally, not give freely.

Fortunately for me, I can feel myself starting to thaw.

I went to a party by myself….. And talked to strangers!!

I started planning a Percy Jackson watch party with blue food… I invited people from my class.

I’ve been laughing more, asking questions, putting birthdays into my calendar, trying—really trying—to text back reasonably.

And I know all of this effort might not lead me to one more friend.

But it feels like a change!!!

Until Next Blog,