The Summer I Gambled on Myself
I love to gamble!
At the beginning of summer, I made a Heart List called A Very Risky Gamble. Based on the book Inheritance Games
READ THE FIRST BLOG HERE to catch up on what the heart list is and why it's important
It was a list of 10 ways I planned to stop waiting for life to happen to me and start directly asking for the life I wanted.
Then, at the very bottom of the post, I made one final declaration:
“VLOG ALL OF IT.”
There is just one tiny problem.
I did not vlog any of it.
I know….. Past Me put it in capital letters and everything.
But once I started completing the list, I realized I didn't want every gamble to become content. The Heart List was always meant to be a me thing—something that pushed me to live more, not something I had to perform for a camera.
But I will say this: it is amazing what magically starts happening when you put 10 weird goals on a piece of paper. I thought I would have to carefully curate every challenge.
Instead, half of them just happened.
So, without any vlog footage to prove it, here is how A Very Risky Gamble turned out.
1. Ask to collaborate with someone I admire
I've co-written songs in Nashville with some truly amazing people. For some reason, though, the idea of co-writing in Utah really scared me.
Luckily, I got over that this summer and asked someone I look up to in a lot of ways to collaborate.
And we wrote a sad song—which was somehow an extra gamble because sad songs scare me even more.
(Even though I didn't vlog the challenge, I did make a video about the song.)
Takeaway: I can ask for more co-writes without worrying that my skill level is something I have to apologize for.
2. Pitch myself for an opportunity before someone asks me to
A rare opening came up to produce a song with people outside my usual circle, and I took it.
Last Summer Me would never have trusted her instincts enough to say yes and create a plan in such a short amount of time.
This Summer Me did.
Takeaway: It is okay to say yes to an opportunity and figure out how to do it in the middle.
3. Spend one day acting like the main character in a coming-of-age movie and fully commit to the bit
Originally, I was going to plan this day far in advance and fill it with carefully selected crazy things.
Instead, it came from a weird obsession I developed with riding an old train.
And that old train just so happened to have a Taylor Swift impersonator on it.
Naturally.
So there I was in patterned overalls, singing Taylor Swift on a train from the 1820s when I realized: this was the story that would cross No. 3 off my list.
Then came the motorcycle.
I am terrified of motorcycles, but at that point, I had no choice. I had already committed to the bit.
Because, as Poppy taught me in People We Meet on Vacation:
“THEME MATTERS!!”
Apparently, the theme was transportation I don’t trust.
Takeaway: I don't think you can plan or curate a main-character moment. Actually, I think that is the exact opposite of having one.
4. Apply for something with a success rate low enough to embarrass me
I applied for the Fox News fall internship, which receives more than 30,000 applications.
Even typing that makes my brain want to add another paragraph explaining what a LONG SHOT this is.
I've taken exactly one newscast class.
BUT GET THIS:
I didn't get one interview.
I got TWO interviews for two different shows.
I still don't know whether I got the internship, and I will update you as soon as I know. But two interviews already feel like a pretty incredible payoff for taking the gamble.
Takeaway: The outcome is still unknown, but putting my name in the room was already worth it.
5. Wear the outfit that feels “too much” and don't apologize for it all day
I wore an A-line skirt covered in New York City subway lines to church with a pair of tall heels, a matching bag and my hair in its full, crazy curls.
NGL, I think I slayed that outfit.
Takeaway: no takeaway, only slay.
6. Do one thing this summer that my future self will talk about for years
First, I gambled in Vegas with my dad FOR THE FIRST TIME. I mean, how much more on theme with my Heart List can you get?
AND I WON……36 dollars
I also discovered that I freaking love craps. Meanwhile, my mom bought a very cute bag for her birthday, so naturally we dubbed the entire adventure the Bag Crawl.
Second, I learned how to fish like a BOSS. I know how to tie my own hook and everything.
I don't want to toot my own horn, but I ain't afraid of a lil fish.
Takeaway: Sometimes the metaphor becomes literal, you place an actual gamble on yourself and you win.
7. Tell someone I like them before I know if they like me back
…..I sent a text to my ex on the Fourth of July.
It did not go well.
This led to me belly-flopping fully clothed into the pool and trying not to cry while my family told me their worst date stories to make me laugh.
Was it Alivia's finest moment?
No.
Did it complete the list?
Unfortunately, yes.
And I am counting it because, obviously, I was at least a little interested if I texted him.
Takeaway: Sometimes a gamble changes your life. Sometimes it gives your family a story they will tell for the rest of yours.
8. Ask someone what they first thought of me
This was another challenge I didn't have to plan.
I was playing We're Not Really Strangers when the question randomly came up.
I hate asking people what they first thought of me because I know I can be awfully loud and crazy. But I asked, and the answer was not nearly as bad as I thought it might be.
This one happened entirely on its own, so I am choosing to believe the Heart List manifested it.
Takeaway: Sometimes the question you're avoiding simply appears on a card and refuses to let you escape.
9. Tell someone the real reason I wrote a song
Hehe.
I did.
Read the situationship blog post here.
Takeaway: I am apparently willing to reveal my secrets as long as I can turn them into a blog post.
10. Give someone my writing
And you, Gel Pen, are getting this gamble next week.
I've been trying to write Halos and Horns since my sophomore year of high school.
That was seven years ago.
Next week, I am finally posting the first three chapters.
I am beyond nervous—which is probably how I know it belongs on this list.
Takeaway: Eventually, you have to stop protecting your writing from being read.
So, did I win the gamble?
I think I did.
And not because each gamble paid off… (4th of July was not great….)
I won because I feel so much more confident in myself.
I no longer think asking for something I want has to be a huge, dramatic event. I can ask for the co-write, pitch myself for the opportunity, and can start pushing for the life I want instead of waiting for it to notice me.
PLUS I can still make room for some whimsical fun along the way.
The Heart List has always belonged to summer. I've been doing it since I was 15, and summer will probably always feel like my New Year's.
But traditions are supposed to evolve.
I think I need a Heart List for every season—something that pushes me out of my comfort zone, changes my perspective, and reminds me that life is supposed to be lived.
Don’t worry- summer can still be the big one.
But I think fall deserves a list too… maybe with only 3 or 5 goals. And trust me, gel pen, you will hear all about that too.
Anyway, happy almost-fall.
Go gamble on yourself a little.
