18-Year-Old Me Called—She Wants Her Ghosts Back

I’m a senior in college, but it feels like I’m starting all over. For the last time, I’m packing my bags and moving out—and somehow, this goodbye is harder than it was at 18.

My college experience has been anything but conventional. I didn’t get into my dream school—twice. Instead, I moved two hours away to my second choice, did the freshman dorm and meal plan thing, and for the most part, hated almost every minute of it.

Then came a door I never expected: music. I moved back home, shifted to online classes, and, by the grace of God, earned a full-ride scholarship. The last two years have been a blur of growth, creativity, and unexpected blessings. (So many blessings!)

Now here I am—back on campus for my senior year, releasing two songs, and confronting the ghosts of 18-year-old Alivia.

And boy- does she have some ghosts. (Facepalm)

It’s a weird feeling, honestly. I’ve pretty much blacked out my entire freshman year—I couldn’t tell you what I did Monday through Friday if my life depended on it. It’s like I never even lived here.

But every once in a while, I’ll get a random “haunting”—a cringe memory jumps out uninvited the second I walk past something even slightly familiar. It’s like a jolt to my nervous system, and suddenly I’m way too nervous over something that happened years ago.

But I feel like I owe it to 18-year-old Alivia to confront them. (Who you gonna call?! Ghost Butser Alivia)

It’s a lot. It’s hard. Sometimes I wonder why on God’s green earth I am choosing this. But it’s also a reminder: every season, even the messy ones, is leading somewhere. And most importantly, building some character.

I’m just glad I get to step into it not as a lost freshman, but a senior, who has a better sense of who Alivia is.

I wrote a song about my feelings called 3, 2, Run!

You can listen right here!

Until next time!

-Alivia Hadfield