Flirt, Flap, and Fail

Listen up, Class!

One of my favorite pastimes is speaking on things that I have absolutely no business speaking on.

(I think you all know that by now.)

I have opinions on marriage despite never being married. I have opinions on parenting despite never having raised a child. I have opinions on the economy despite checking my bank account with one eye closed.

And today, I'd like to discuss flirting.

Something I occasionally excel at.

(Please note the word occasionally.)

Flirting is fascinating because everyone acts like it's this natural instinct humans are born with.

We are not.

Trust me.

Yet, when it's done correctly, it might be one of the most alluring parts of dating.

One well-timed bat of the lashes or a perfectly delivered compliment can be the difference between flushed cheeks and...well, complete indifference.

Flirting is especially magnetic when you meet someone with your same sense of humor or the same quick wit. It feels effortless, like the conversation has its own current and you're just floating along with it.

For one brief, glorious moment, you think:

I am absolutely crushing this.

But my dear gel pen,

after years of highly unscientific research, I have concluded that flirting only goes one of three ways:

Flirt.

Flap.

Or fail.

I also have recovery strategies for each category because, unfortunately, weird things happen to me with alarming consistency.

(I think it’s because the universe likes a good laugh.)

Either way, allow me to explain.

First: Flirt

Flirting, in my completely unqualified opinion, is the art of building emotional tension.

The slow burn is undefeated.

I don't think flirting has to be grand gestures or over-the-top compliments. In fact, the best flirting usually looks like two people playing verbal ping pong.

It's quick wit, tiny observations, and a joke with plausible deniability.

One time I jokingly told a guy, "I'm a nobody."

Without missing a beat he replied, "Well... nobody's perfect."

Kick me in the kidney.

I was absolutely giddy.

Because he caught the joke and sent it right back with flying colors.

That's flirting!!

It's making someone feel like they're in on the joke with you.

It's building your own little language through callbacks, teasing, and play on words until everyone else in the room might as well disappear.

I also think flirting should be reserved for people you actually like. If you flirt with everyone, people just assume you'd flirt with a bush if it complimented your outfit.

And maybe my biggest rule is this:

Pay attention.

Notice the little things. The way they tell stories with their hands, the phrase they say too often, the song they always skip, the way they laugh before the punchline.

People remember feeling noticed far longer than they remember feeling complimented.

And if you can make me laugh while doing it?

Well... unfortunately for me, that's a very effective strategy. ;)

Second: Flap

A flap is different.

A flap is when the flirting is going well and then, somewhere along the way, your brain clocks out for the evening.

You say something weird.

You spill a drink on their pants.

You go in for a side hug and somehow invent an entirely new form of human contact……….. er.

A flap is an unforced error.

My advice?

Earn it respectfully.

Laugh at yourself and keep going.

Because everyone flaps.

The difference between charming and cringey is usually how gracefully you recover.

Third: Fail

A fail is different from a flap.

While a flap is awkward, a fail is irreversible.

A fail is confidently texting, "I have a million-dollar question... would you ever take Alivia Hadfield out?" and then watching the message sit there... delivered... read... and eventually fossilized by time itself.

At that point, there is only one option:

Pretend you died in a small boating accident and start a new life elsewhere.

JUST KIDDING.

...Kind of.

(Actually, I ran into this person later and they even said hi to me, so apparently you can recover from a fail.)

My real advice is this:

Don't make it worse.

Just abort the mission.

• Do not double down.

• Do not send "haha jk."

• Do not send a paragraph explaining yourself.

Just accept the loss and move on.

I like to think no one is thinking about your embarrassing moment more than you are….. And if they are?

Congratulations.

You just gave them a funny story.

Which, in my opinion, is almost as good as getting the date.

So, in the spirit of a serious disclaimer, please take my advice very lightly. I am simply a girl with Wi-Fi and opinions.

Have fun with dating.

Laugh at yourself.

Because the truth is, you'll flirt, flap, and fail more times than you can count before you eventually fall head over heels for your person.

….at least thats what the books tell me.

Until next blog,