I Have Beef With Pet Names.

And I don’t mean your dog.

When someone asks me, “Alivia do you have any hot takes?” I always say:

“Well… that depends. How long do you have, and are you comfy?”

Because I feel STRONGLY—and I mean STRONGLY—about pet names.

Because what do you mean someone enjoys being called pookie or boo thing??
HOT TAKE: that is not a term of endearment. That is a term of rage bait.

And I’m sorry, but it’s a little cringe. I do not need to hear you calling your lover “Pooh Bear.” I just don’t.

Now—to clarify—I’m not anti-nickname. I like nicknames that come from your actual name. Lilybug, JackieBoy, JohnnyBoy, Kambam. Cute. Personal. I’ll allow it.

But these random, over-the-top pet names?? Immediate no.

And here’s where I feel especially alone in this:

BookTok is against me.

When did books get so many GOSH DARN pet names??
And not normal ones—like full-on, wild, out-of-control names.

And the thing is—I don’t even read crazy fantasy like that.

I’ll be reading something normal, and suddenly the love interest is calling her
“heiress” or “mystery girl” like in The Inheritance Games…

And I’m just sitting there like—
oh.
So that’s the love interest.

Because it’s not subtle anymore. It’s not a slow burn. It’s not tension.
It’s just LABELED IN THE FIRST 15 PAGES!!!

Like what happened to the slow build? The will-they-won’t-they?
Why is it all so on the nose now?

Even Percy Jackson—and I LOVE Percy Jackson & the Olympians—has “wise girl” and “seaweed brain.”

And yes, I will admit… those are better than most.
But I’m still sitting there like—

please.
for all things green.
respect the government name.

Just say Annabeth. Just say Percy. I am begging.

Pet names feel like a shortcut.
Like, instead of building closeness, you’re just announcing it.

Like—“Look! We’re close! We have a nickname!”

I don’t think real love works like that.

HOT TAKE: Love is supposed to be a steady, consistent thrum in your life.

You don’t have to prove it. You just feel it. yknow?

And pet names feel like… proving it.

Also—this might explain everything—but all three of my older siblings got into relationships at the exact same time. And overnight my house became:

“babe?”
“babe.”
“babe??”
“babe!!!!”

Not their names. Never their names. Just babe. Constantly.

I wanted to gag myself with a spoon.

So yeah. Maybe this is deep-rooted. Maybe this is trauma. I don’t know.

But I will die on this hill.

I will drag myself across the ground fighting for this opinion if I have to—

pet names are cringe.

Just call me Alivia.

…or fine.
You can say “hon.”

Barely.

now enjoy my list of pet names I HATE

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MY VERY OFFICIAL PET NAME HIERARCHY:

JAIL TIME — (WHO do you think you are?)
Sugar lips
Tiger
Little one
Daddy / Big Daddy
Pookie
Goddess
Shnookums
Dollface
Pooh Bear
Anything that ends in “bear”
Baby girl — are you her dad??

I FEEL UNCOMFY — (WHERE do you think you are?)
Sweet cheeks
McDreamy
McSteamy
Kitten
Mr. Big
Honey pie
Dumpling
Baby

OK… — (weird choice but could be worse)
Babe
Sugar
Sweet thang
Cupcake
Tater Tot
Cutie pie
Cherry pie
My love

I’LL ALLOW IT — (it’s fine… I guess)
Darlin’ (NOT darling)
Hon (NOT honey)
Sweetheart
Dear

AND NOTHING ELSE MAKES THE LIST.